I Lied Today!

I’m not in the habit of lying. As a matter of fact, I think lying should be the eighth deadly sin because it wreaks havoc on trust–an important foundation of good relationships and strong communities. Still I lied today.

It’s been eight years since my divorce, and I’m still not back on my feet financially. Once again, I’m in between jobs and selling odds and ends to pay the rent. When I sold off all my furniture a couple years back, it was rather depressing. So this time I decided to keep up my spirits by playing inventive games to fend off the blues. Currently, I am playing a game I call, Eat-All-the-Food-in-Your-House-Before-Applying-For-Food-Stamps. The object is to come up with creative meals from food that already exists in my home. For example, I made a meal with pasta, enchilada sauce, onions, and frozen edamame. Not too yummy, but it made for an entertaining evening and, best of all, it kept me out of the long, humiliating food stamp line.

Now I had long since run out of fresh fruits and veggies, so when I found an unopened bag of charcoal, I decided to take it back and exchange it for some fresh produce. When the clerk asked me why I brought the briquettes back, I shyly and playfully replied, “I guess we have a gas BBQ.” To this, the clerk quickly and wisely traded in his belly laugh response for a boyish smirk and said my secret was safe with him. We both laughed. However, walking away, I realized I had lied about the BBQ because I didn’t want to say, “I’m returning the briquettes because I’m broke and want some fresh broccoli and apples.” Instead of that humiliating exchange, I played the role of a ditsy woman—one who buys charcoal briquettes for the family gas grill.

Books say that women from gay/straight marriages often take three to five years to recover from their divorces and that many, even at the five-year-mark are not in intimate relationships. After reading such statistics, I strongly announced, “I don’t have three years to waste!” So I decided I’d be diligent and work through my “stuff” quicker than the norm. However, it still took me five freaking years to work through my grief and the loss as well as deep feelings of betrayal, abandonment, self-loathing, and self-doubt. Somewhere around the five-year mark, I noticed a shift in both my body and mind and discovered I no longer entertained thoughts of ending my life. I had many more good days than difficult ones. I had turned a corner

Still, here I am, eight years after my divorce, and I continue to struggle financially. My friend with her hard-earned MSW told me it often takes women ten years to get back on their feet after a divorce. So I push on, but I am disappointed I lied to the clerk about the briquettes. I don’t want to perpetuate the idea that women are stupid. I was simply embarrassed to be poor.

Now after another 15 years have passed, I am more aware of how white male privilege* impacts the financial well-being and demise of ex-wives. I had a master’s degree and a long career in youth ministry, but neither was enough to keep me out of the financial pit that often comes to women after a divorce. The road after my divorce included homelessness, bankruptcy, giving up custody of my child, and a mental health crisis that ended in hospitalization.

Many of the hardships I faced resulted from not being financially secure to live in a safe place and raise my child like I did when I was married. With the signing of our divorce papers, my husband explained it would be hard for about a year after the divorce, but then I would be fine. Three years later, I was jobless and homeless and, therefore, agreed our child should go live with his dad. When the plane left the ground with the one I’d spent everyday with for the past 15 years, I felt alone and lost.

I wrote the song "Evolve" during this time to encourage myself and others to grow and evolve in perspective, behavior, and self confidence.

*AI summarizes:
White male privilege refers to the societal advantages that individuals who are both white and male experience due to their race and gender. These advantages are often unearned and can manifest in various aspects of life, including access to opportunities, resources, and social treatment, while simultaneously creating disadvantages for individuals of color and women.