Why I Married a Gay Man

“People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel," ~Maya Angelou

When I first tell people I married a gay man, I get a variety of interesting responses. The big-eyed look-of-horror is my favorite. The overtly animated response takes me back a bit because they seem so horrified about a situation that was far from horrifying.

Both my husband and I grew up in churches that taught homosexuality was wrong. I think my husband buried any inkling that he might be gay so he could pursue his dreams–dreams of being a pastor and having a family. I was simply attracted to him because he was intelligent, kind, respectful, witty, and handsome to me. Furthermore, we had similar beliefs and convictions, he was accepting of me as a strong woman, and we both played doubles sand volleyball.

When my husband came out, I was stunned and definitely crushed, but I wasn’t totally surprised because he had told me a couple years earlier he thought he was bisexual. Since many of my gay and lesbian college students used the I-think-I’m-bisexual stepping stone to get from “I’m straight” to “I’m gay,” I kept my husband’s disclosure on the back burner of my mind.

After our divorce, I spent significant time reflecting on how we ended up together. I wanted to understand why I was attracted to him and why I chose him as a partner. I came up with five characteristics that I loved about him.

1. He didn’t objectify women. My husband never talked about women in an objectifying manner. He never said, “She’s hot!” or “What a babe!” He didn’t critique women’s hairstyles or their outfits. He didn’t call large women cows or criticize anyone for having small or oversized body parts.

   For most of my life, when I’d hear men critique or degrade women, it made me feel like crap. It seemed clear that my worth in society as a woman was measured by men’s ideals of beauty and body sizes; and, I obviously didn’t measure up. I overcame these feelings when I hit 60 and stopped caring about how men saw me anymore.

   However, I’m still dumbfounded why straight men don’t realize that verbally ogling and degrading women makes the females around them feel like sh#%. The thrown-around phrase “boys will be boys” does NOT excuse men from keeping their degrading and dehumanizing thoughts to themselves. These man-boys are making a choice to socially diminish women in public.

   When I was around my husband, I never faced the feminine beauty hierarchy that exists in our society and in which I often fell short. With my husband, I felt valued as a whole person rather than just an average set of body parts.

2. He treated me like an equal. We had deep and interesting conversations where we each shared our ideas, thoughts, and feelings. We made decisions together over our family budget, household matters, raising our child, and career advancement. When I shared my personal or career challenges, he listened without giving advice. He knew I could solve my problems. He did, however, give me meaningful advice when I wanted it, and (get this) he asked me for advice as well! With him, I felt heard. I felt like a partner.

3. He wasn’t threatened by my abilities. It didn’t bother him that I was a better athlete or just as smart. I didn’t have to deny or hide my skills or intelligence to protect his ego because he was not threatened by them. Instead, he took delight in my accomplishments and knew my strengths made us a powerful couple. I remember one congregation likened us to the power couple, President Clinton and Hillary Clinton. The church members meant it as a putdown, but it just made me laugh. With my husband, I felt valued for both my capabilities and my input.

4. He shared in the household chores without reservation. When we first got married, we made a list of household chores and divided them up equally. There was no “Honey Do” list in our home. When we became parents, he was equally involved in caring for our newborn. Because I wasn’t over burdened by the house chores and parenting responsibilities, we both enjoyed more time playing volleyball together and socializing with friends. With him, I felt supported. I felt my time was as important as his.

5. He was a thoughtful lover. He asked me what I enjoyed and let me direct him without it harming his ego. The focus was on mutual pleasure and not performance. We talked about sex and intimacy when we weren’t having sex so we could have deeper conversations about the topic. Therefore, I felt my sexual needs and desires mattered.

So why did I marry a gay man? Because he treated me like an equal. He valued my input. He saw me and heard me. He didn’t tell me how to handle my life, and I didn’t have to hide my capabilities to protect his ego. I got to share my life with him, not give up my life for him.